


all i wanted was you

by jekyeoll



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Secret Relationship, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jekyeoll/pseuds/jekyeoll
Summary: yamaguchi has had a hard time dealing with his and tsukki’s breakup, even more so because they’re still friends. being just friends would’ve been easy; all he had to do was suppress his feelings for a bit until they went away. being friends with benefits, though, was anything but comforting. sure, the sex felt good, but what didn’t feel good was the constant second-guessing, overthinking, and insecurity. was he really enough for tsukki? probably not. but would he ever admit to tsukki that this whole ordeal was hurting him more than bringing him happiness? absolutely not. at the end of the day, yamaguchi decides to just deal with it, figuring that having this sort of relationship with tsukki was better than having nothing at all. besides, there was nothing wrong with wanting some pleasure and, even more, love (or whatever false form of love he seemed to be receiving was).
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 28





	all i wanted was you

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoy this lil one shot uwu  
> stay away from toxic relationships peeps!!

they were together not even three months before tsukishima called it quits. his excuse being “i’m not cut out for relationships”. which was, admittedly, true, but yamaguchi had hoped that tsukki would try to put in a little more effort to save their relationship. unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for them; instead they broke things off and decided to remain friends after a long conversation discussing their next course of action. tsukki was sure to remind yamaguchi that they weren’t breaking up because tsukki didn’t love him anymore, but moreso because he thought yamaguchi deserved better. 

it took everything in yamaguchi to not be angry or petty or resentful. why break up if you still love me? who are you to decide what i deserve? but yamaguchi knew better and he, sadly, understood where tsukki was coming from. they had similar outlooks on love, but yamaguchi had tried to love tsukki as much as he possibly could despite his insecurities and inability to properly express his feelings (specifically feelings of love).

this, however, did not mean that yamaguchi wasn’t sad. every reply to tsukishima’s texts was like a knife stabbing at his heart repeatedly. everything was perfectly fine two weeks before; they were still flirty and lovey-dovey and they still kissed and hugged and called each other by those stupidly annoying nicknames that yamaguchi actually loved. he called hinata shortly after their break up, sobbing and in pain, wondering what he did to deserve such sadness.

yamaguchi cried for days, rereading their old conversations, recalling every moment they spent together cuddled up in bed, every kiss, every hug, every nickname and form of affection. they still talked, sure, but the feeling of love and comfort had come to a halt. yamaguchi no longer woke up to “good morning baby” texts and, much less, closed his eyes after reading a “good night dork” and “i love you”. it hurt more than he could’ve ever imagined, going back to their old ways: a simple friendship with no nicknames or kisses or cute texts or dates or sex. not that the sex really mattered to yamaguchi, at least not in the sense that he particularly craved it. however, tsukishima was yamaguchi’s first time, and that thought mattered more to the boy than the prospect of not having sex again. 

the freckled boy soon found out that his tears and pain had all been a waste. tsukishima still loved him, that was a given, but yamaguchi didn’t know that tsukki was willing to have a relationship without the label. sure, they’d experimented before putting a label on their relationship right after admitting feelings, but it was different back then. different in the sense that yamaguchi knew that after said stage ended, tsukishima would ask him to be his boyfriend and yamaguchi would say yes and all would be good. this time around, there’d be cuddles and kisses and hugs and sex but no guarantee that they’d ever be boyfriends again. the thought hurt yamaguchi, but, at the same time, he desperately craved tsukishima’s affection.

he decided fuck it and succumbed to tsukki’s advances. yamaguchi wasn’t sure that he’d regret it. in fact, for a while, he, too, thought about the idea of being friends with benefits with tsukki, but was never sure if the taller boy wanted the same. thank god he did.

shortly after coming to an agreement -they wouldn’t be together, but things would be the same as they used to be when they were together- their “relationship” began. on days they couldn’t see each other they’d sometimes sext, or even have phone sex. though when they weren’t doing either, they’d send good morning texts, use cute nicknames, talk about their day, discuss the latest show they were watching, and end the day with “i love you”s. when they could see each other, they’d exchange kisses and they’d hug and hold hands and laugh at each other’s jokes. and when they had alone time, they’d kiss harder and deeper, too much tongue and spit, but neither of them seemed to mind. they wouldn’t hesitate to reach out and touch under each other’s clothes, pulling apart from their intense kiss slightly to remove any clothing that was in their way. and when tsukishima was hovering over yamaguchi, pushing into him ever so gently, the smaller boy didn’t mind the slight pain he felt in both his bottom and his heart. he tried to pretend that the tears pooling in his eyes were of pleasure, or even the sting of the initial stretch, not of sadness.

on some days, yamaguchi would find himself overthinking. tsukishima was both a busy and sad boy, so it made sense to yamaguchi that he’d leave him hanging for hours on end, without so much as a simple text stating that he was too busy or too sad to hold conversation at the moment. despite knowing this, yamaguchi was still afraid and anxious. what if tsukki doesn’t love me anymore? what if he isn’t attracted to me anymore? what if he’s annoyed of me being so clingy and needy all the time? though these thoughts were usually buried in the back of his mind, they resurfaced every now and then, whenever tsukishima wasn’t as playful or talkative or making sexual remarks or asking for nudes.

some days, yamaguchi would express his distress to tsukishima. not particularly about tsukki’s and his relationship, but about life in general. he’d avoid the topic of their arrangement as much as possible, afraid that if he ever mentioned how much pain he was really in, tsukki would end their relationship for a second time. yamaguchi was far too deep in love to let go just yet, so he endured the pain and cried himself to sleep every now and then whenever his feelings were anything but bearable. 

unfortunately for yamaguchi, today was one of those days. tsukishima’s replies were scarce and at one point he took more than eight hours to reply. yamaguchi tried to ignore the lump in his throat as he looked at his phone once more, waiting patiently for a reply that wouldn’t come anytime soon. he cried in the shower, tears mixing in with the water running down his body. yamaguchi liked the comfort warm water and the sound of the shower brought; it was relaxing and the noise was loud enough to drown out his sobs.

when tsukishima finally replied to yamaguchi, the smaller boy was too busy wasting time as he lay in bed overthinking the situation. he concluded that tsukki no longer loved him and was no longer attracted to him. though he was most likely wrong, yamaguchi hadn’t received the much needed reassurance that tsukishima would offer at times like these. and he was sure as hell too scared to ask for it.

when yamaguchi finally replied two hours later, he accepted tsukki’s apology. the boy had been busy. yamaguchi wasn’t sure if he could trust the statement, but said nothing. instead, he brought up a new topic of conversation. and when tsukishima made a sexual remark late at night, yamaguchi ignored the true pain he felt, opting to focus on the reassurance the statement brought him. tsukki is still attracted to me. tsukki still loves me. that’s all that matters. the freckled boy sighed in relief (or was it sadness? displeasure, even?) when tsukishima asked for nudes. he willed himself to ignore the unknown feeling he was experiencing and simply undressed in the comfort of his room (after checking that the door was locked), snapping a few pictures, and even videos, before sending them to tsukki. as per usual, yamaguchi received nothing in return, besides the usual praise and body appreciation. he never expected anything in return, but sometimes he hoped he’d get at least one picture. yamaguchi was too afraid to ask for one, and pretended to be satisfied with the same 3 pictures he’d had of tsukki since earlier that year.

the next time they had alone time, yamaguchi listened to tsukishima as he repeated the words “i missed you” and “i love you”. yamaguchi told himself that that was all he needed to be happy.

after they’d undressed, tsukishima kissed all over the freckled boy’s body and comforted him whenever anything began to hurt. i’m okay, he reassured himself. i’m happy. yamaguchi knew he was lying to himself, but he let tsukishima do as he pleased with his feelings, convinced that he oh so desperately needed the love tsukki was showing him in that moment. it’d become a cycle, and there was no escaping it.

in the midst of cuddling, the smaller boy looked up from where he was laying in bed and admired tsukki’s sleeping figure. he closed his eyes immediately when tsukishima stirred, afraid he’d catch him staring. seconds later, he felt a hand reach up to his face and touch his cheekbones, presumably touching the freckles there. the hand left his face as fast as it’d gotten there, and yamaguchi heard tsukki sigh before hugging him closer and tighter. he smiled and breathed in tsukki’s warm scent, snuggling up against the taller male. 

yamaguchi came to the conclusion that he simply loved tsukki way too much, and he hoped tsukki loved him too.


End file.
